“You Look So Tired, Are You Okay?”

“Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.” – Mark Twain

No doubt, if you’ve been diabetic for any length of time, you’ve encountered the “you look tired” comment.  It used to be the source of great anxiety to me over the years.  After all, my mom would always tell me how good looking I was; yours too, right?  Then why would folks whom I don’t even know tell me I look like I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in years?  Especially when I’m a pretty good sleeper.

Let’s be practical, either (1) you don’t look tired and several people are conspiring to make you think you look tired, (2) folks are just giving you a hard time like they give everyone else, or (3) you really do look tired.

I’m not saying I agree with people who see fit to say what they think whenever they feel like speaking.  The power of thought should be more important than the power of expression, or, put another way, freedom of speech should come bundled with tact, however, people are not always tactful nor are they necessarily nice all the time.  But there must be a way to deal with the comment in a mature and effective manner, teaching them to accept you as you are, while keeping your self-respect.  The goal here is to move the person that made the comment to you (let’s call her the aggressor) to not say that to you again, to be on your side in the future, to understand where you are coming from.  Well, how do you do that?  Let’s see.

Stimulus: You’ve had a good night sleep, woken up, took a shower, got dressed, checked your BG, driven to work without major incident, and walk toward your desk or office ready for the challenges of the day, when a co-worker meets you in the hallway and, instead of saying “Good Morning,” greats you with:

“You look so tired, were you up late finishing that project?”

So what are your options?  Although I’m sure you could add more, here’s the short list I’ve brainstormed, complete with the eight basic emotions – listed as opposing pairs – as described by Robert Plutchik[1]:

Although each response looks a little different, they each share a common trait: aside from there being little thought or time spent thinking between the original stimulus and the result, the comments simply don’t do anything in terms of effectiveness. 

Next up on the rung of responses are variations on a theme of tit-for-tat.  Responses based upon this strategy include:

·         “You too.”

·         “Have you looked in the mirror lately?”

Much can be said for the effectiveness of a tit-for-tat strategy; it can provide the basis for co-operation in complex social interactions among humans, and even explains the evolution of social co-operation over the whole range of life.[2]  It essentially teaches the person making the comment that there will be consequences, and maybe in the longer term, you will get them to extinguish their behavior: to cooperate.  But, you see, the person making the comment to you is most likely not just trying to antagonize you, but, instead, is probably sincerely interested in your well-being, they just don’t realize how hurtful those words may sound.

So, it’s your job to turn the situation into a learning experience for the other person – even if they are antagonizing you, after reading this section you can choose to be more confident, compassionate, heroic, and provide leadership to the person in response, and, in fact, you can get them to be your champion in the future.  Better yet, you can get them to not even say “You look tired” in the first place!

“How can that be?” you may ask.  Well, the answer really is simple.  You have the power to redirect their comment, comparable to sending their “hot potato” back in their court.  You could be anything you want to be, regardless of your age, current health status, or position in life.  It’s a question of choosing the right response during the gap between stimulus and response, and then implementing it.

Before I provide other, more thoughtful responses, I should point out that you could visit a health provider that performs upper and/or lower eyelid blephoplasties under local anesthesia.  It is one solution.  The drawback to this type of physical alteration is that it is costly, and may not give you sustainable benefits.

Let me just get right to the more effective answers.  Wouldn’t it be better if you could respond to the provocative stimulus “you look tired” with the following:

• “Hey, thanks for noticing.  I ran a marathon over the weekend and boy I really am tired.  I wonder what you’d look like after participating in that type of event.”
• “I sure do look tired!  I rode my bicycle 45 miles from San Jose to San Francisco, and it took only 4 hours this time.  How would you look after doing that?”
• “Tired?  You bet!  I’m still recovering from the 100 laps I swam at the olympic pool Saturday.  Can you swim?”
• “Talk to me next week; I should look this way until then after hiking Mount Tamalpais over the weekend.  I didn’t think I’d make it up.  When was the last time you went hiking?”
• “I’m training for the next triathlon – it’s exhausting work.  Have you ever participated in a triathlon?”
• “I competed in the triathlon over the weekend.  I can’t believe I finished.  Maybe next time I’ll place.  Do you know when the next event is?”
• “There could be some truth to that as I am working in my spare time developing programs to reduce poverty and hunger in the local area, which will hopefully have global implications.  What are your extra-curricular activities?”
• “I admit that my work on helping to achieve universal primary education may be taking its toll, but it’s well worth the effort when I hear of the successful entrepreneur’s that came from impoverished areas.  Are you mentoring any kids?”
• “My work promoting gender equality does run into obstacles sometimes, maybe if you helped with one of my projects I could take the time to go to a spa every now and then.”
• “I realize that we should take our environment a little less for granted, so I’ve been riding my bike to work more often.  Although it does take more personal energy, I feel like I’m making a difference.  What kind of gas mileage does your car get?”
• “I’ve been installing solar panels on my roof these past few weekends, you’d be surprised how much I will save on my energy bills by finishing the project.  I wonder if the process itself will become less costly in the future; maybe you could do some research so that the cost of installing the panels will be less when you implement it.”
• “Did you know that access to clean water is an issue in some parts of the world?  I’ve been trying to figure out how to get clean water to some populations in my spare time.  Maybe you could lend a hand.”
• “I’ve been thinking that all the work we do for our clients could have applications for securing cyberspace in general.  Maybe we could volunteer our time in an open source project.  It would be tiring, but well worth it.”

These answers – assuming you are also trying to do them – position you as a more heroic, problem-solving individual, rather than as a victim.  It will instill in your audience a suggestion that (1) you acknowledge their presence, (2) you appreciate their concern, and (3) that you are doing something to improve yourself at a minimum, and at the other extreme, that you are thriving.  In the long run, these folks won’t judge you by your looks or by your disability, rather, they will see you as someone with integrity, compassion, leadership skill, and character, working to make a difference in the world.  If they continue to harass you even after you’ve demonstrated your character and worth, then they are simply toxic and should be avoided.  If they can’t be avoided, you should calmly and confidently seek outside help – from friends, family, teachers, supervisors, etc., depending on the venue – by asking them to help you develop options of dealing with difficult personalities.  Or, just like the school bully, one swift punch in the nose sends them crying home to their mother.

Which brings me to an important point.  You have to compete for resources with all types of folks, from all types of backgrounds.  The predominant competitor out there considers themselves to be normal, free from all sorts of ailments; too, in a workplace situation, the relationship paradigm is “arms-length,” and the office banter, whether directed at you or not, can at times be overwhelmingly negative.  In fact, some people’s outlook at work is a derangement of the “survival of the fittest” theory in which they implement all sorts of negative behavior rationalized by thinking better to hurt you first than by being hurt by you.  Nevermind that Darwin’s theory is really about reproductive survival of the species.[3]

So, most people probably wouldn’t admit to having a disability, and, instead, strive to be normal, whatever that may mean.  Thus, the thinking “out there” is that you should fit in; “the nail that sticks out gets hammered” as the Japanese say.  The best way, however, in short, is that if you are in any sort of organization, be it educational, corporate, government, or non-profit, you should fit in yet stand out.

What better way to position yourself in a social context than to fit in and stand out by being able to accomplish the tasks at hand in addition to excelling at an outside interest.  It shows those observing you that you are part of the larger team, yet are continuously improving yourself both on a professional and personal level.

The journey to accomplishing that task begins with understanding diabetes.